Miss Frances

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Long time to write sth. Because I don't want to think about my life and let myself corrupted. After so many quarrel, I know I should confess that I am mad and lost for so long. Maybe at the beginning, to some extent, I was right to aruge and defense,  and just want to change something. Now I confess that it's not just a character or habit problem but my Psychological problems.

Since when I can be easily mad? I can not remember. Maybe 3 or 4 years ago. Quarrel with my father, my friend, my darling, even my kind grandmother. The first time was also scared myself. I could not believe that I could shout out so mean words to my father. However, I could not control myself and I insisted on and on and on... Of course, father never cared for such stupid words. It seems nothing happened. He just told me that I was changed, but I don't care. I know it's not a problem of self-control, but I never so seriously want to control or restricted myself. Later on, the problem became more and more serious. And I still indugle myself. Now I can easily lose calm and sense. Just want to abreact. Normal peopel will control themselves, but I don't. So I think I was mad for so long. I can be easy-going and happy right now and be mad for the next minute. Father told me that I would lose every one who loves me, but I still don't listen to him.

I just want to do what I want and defense what I think it's right.  How can I become so arrogant and selfish? Father pities for me that I became more and more naive while others became more and more mature. I find I have the Psychological problems for spilt character. Normal and mad just changes for little things.

After last night's quarrel, it's really scared me and I want to end for all. I think, think and think for the whole night even lay down my exam praparation. Am I in a Period of adolescent rebellion which is late for 10 years? Or Am I in a period of Menopause which comes early for 30 years? Depressing, nagetive, lazy, whine, mean, miserliness, hypersensitive, shrew, gossipy, ungraceful, surly, tough, shameless.......All these symptoms show up with different combination when I met different stupid situation which just made me little unconfortable. How terrible I am now? But my darling still consider me as a special girl to deserve love and forgiveness. I know my madness sometimes led our life into a miserable situation suddenly without any sign.

The reason for mad quarrel usually incredible. I just want to change him or request him to do what I like. The fact is that my delicious derset is his poison. The fact is that my expectation is not worth to doing and I was so cussed to do so. I knew when I was a little girl that don't want to change others and just learn to match together. I told myself again and again, but it's useless, for it's not put on my heart. I was such a pigheaded girl. I knew that if you love some one, you should tolerate something unrelated to principle and I always require others to do so and negelect myself. Knowing is one thing, but doing is another thing. I am like a Drunkard, alcoholic-addicted while I was mad-addicted. I regard it as a easy way to lease pressure just like strong alcoholic. The alcohol in the body can vanish gradually, but the behavior and words I did to others can not disappear in their mind for the whole life. Terrible mistake!

Once I gave myself so many excuse. I think I was unlucky for losing my mother so early, for the high pressure teen-age. I just want to be good and nice to myself, indulge till over spoiled. The more I got, the more I want, more love, more indulgence, more tolerance... Do I derserve these welfare? No! No pay no gain!

I can excuse myself that I have shade since my mother passed away. It seems that I was so strong that I recovered quickly and never influence, but acutally I did. The Psychological problems affected me gradually, like the devil Saturn, gradully chaging my character until lost and mad. I forgive myself again and again using the bullshit excuse of shade or psychological recover for so many years. I regard any luck I got as a kind of making-up for my unlucky past, and never cherish what I gain. Actually, after think of the past, the words from friens, father and my darling, I know that I have been lost for so long and walked away for so far. I am not the lovely girl you all know. Now I want everything changes back. I will try hard.

No mad & lost any more!